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Existential angst
keeping you up at night?
WE GOT YOUR BACK!
8 QUESTIONS, 1 ANSWER: which mushroom
will you be
reborn as in your next life?
Get the result in a
video message
from the
Sage himself
(for real!)
TAKE TEST
1.
You accidentally invent a machine that pre-
dicts the next embarrassing thing you'll do.
What's your first prediction?
Trying to pull a door labelled "push; then apologising to the door
Waving enthusiastically at your crush Ken, only to realize it's an incredibly life-like mannequin
Accidentally calling your boss's boss "bro" during your first board meeting
Calling someone by the wrong name repeatedly at their wedding and complaining loudly about their hearing
2.
Your boss promises to give you a juicy promo-
tion if you reveal who keeps eating his ceri-
monial biscuit (and it's you).
What do you do?
Give a speech about workplace unity ,comparing the biscuits to a metaphorical Holy Grail that should remain unclaimed
Confess dramatically, fall to your knees, and vow to atone by never eating carbs again
Claim ignorance, but place a biscuit crumb in your colleague's hair and yell,! The Biscuit Bandit strikes again!;
Secretly record the boss's meltdown ,then use it as your new ringtone
3.
You wake up one morning to find that your
houseplants have staged a revolution.
How do you handle it?
Join them ,leading a leafy rebellion against humankind
Use a spritz bottle like a flamethrower, screaming,"This is my house!"
Apologize profusely, promising to never overwater them again
Ignore the rebellion and let them take over -it's their mortgage now
4.
A time traveler from 1824 mistakes your
phone for a magic mirror.
What's your response?
Convince him you're a wizard and demand he follows you as his disciple free of charge
Trade your phone for their top hat,then regret it immediately because you need Maps to get home
Show them TikTok for a couple of minutes, and when they faint from mental exhaustion, walk away
Teach them how to take selfies, then let their existential crisis sink in
5.
A mysterious cult approaches you, claiming
you're the chosen one to bring balance to the
universe.
What do you do?
Start writing your autobiography immediately, calling it "The Fungus Among Us"
Demand they provide free snacks and a kickass Japanese kimono, then consider their offer
Laugh hysterically and ask if they also need someone to balance their company checkbooks
Declare that balance is overrated, leave, and go grab 18 tequila shots at the closest bar
6.
Your neighbour has trained a flock of pigeons
to sing the national anthem outside your
window.
What's your next move?
Develop a new hobby: conducting the pigeons with an Italian mozzarella breadstick after work
Install a speaker that blasts out "The Bird's the Word" on loop to counteract the pigeons
Teach the pigeons to harmonize, turning the chaos into beautiful art
Hurl half your £8.50 spiced oat decaf skinny flat white lat them, hoping the shock (of the cost) will shoo them away
7.
A talking squirrel offers you a chance to relive
your most embarrassing moment in exchange
for ultimate wisdom.
What do you do?
Decline, because nothing's worth reliving that WhatsApp sent to your boss instead of your date
Accept, but demand the squirrel address you as "Supreme Mushroom Lord" during the entire ordeal
Ask the squirrel for a second offer, because no one will catch you falling for a first deal
Hand the squirrel a bag of peanuts, tell him to jog on, and Google"how to achieve wisdom in 3 steps"
8.
You wake up to find your hands
glowing neon green.
What do you do?
Walk into a meeting, pointing at everyone while yelling,"You've been chosen!"
Cover them with gloves and wait for the glow to "go with the flow"
Turn it into a fashion statement, pairing it with an avant-garde outfit
Google "glowing hands", then immediately regret going down that weirdly well-documented rabbit hole
FUNGTASTIC!
IT'S TIME FOR THE SAGE'S VERDICT
Submit
